I took a gamble, and it didn’t pay off. At the end of this past summer, I left my comfortable gig as Director of Marketing for a men’s fashion brand and took the leap to become VP of Marketing at a plant-based meal delivery company. I was extremely excited at the time as I felt very limited in my fashion role due to constrained resources, and also at the challenge of tackling a new industry completely (foodtech). Unfortunately due to a mix of variables that combined to create the perfect storm, the company is being forced to shut it’s doors and I was laid off this past Monday (Jan 3). It’s my first time being unemployed in 11 years which is a weird feeling that I don’t think I have fully processed yet. Part of me is stressed about the uncertainty of the future, anxious about paying my mortgage, and hurt that all of this collapsed so quickly. These feelings also made me nervous to even tell anybody because I was afraid of being seen as a failure and feeling embarassed as a result. So what else would I do to get over these feelings than to announce what happened to the world? Hah… but the real reason I am putting the news out there is incase anybody else has experienced feelings of failure, anxiety, or is going through something similar then I want to talk through how I am dealing with this incase it can help give you some perspective too.

Let’s get into the feelings part first. Initially, I was in shock and financially anxious. Cue the infamous ‘I will never financially recover from this!’ line from Joe Exotic where flashes of not paying my mortgage crossed my brain since my income stream was just shut off. I recently bought a house this past June, so anything that threatens my living situation is a huge worry. Although, that wouldn’t be the end of it. Next up, my brain decided to move onto the “what are you going to do now?” question which was very haunting. Would I get another VP role? Would I have to go back down to Director? Who is even going to hire me right now given my pending green card application? Would they want to sponsor me? Am I worth the trouble? My ego then decided that it wanted a turn with thoughts like; How embarassing is this? What are other people going to think? Are any women going to want to talk to you after this? Are you even good enough to get another VP job? Have you considered you’re the reason the company went under?

PHEW. Let’s just say that the myriad of the above was a lot to process. I’m sure I missed some of the thoughts and feelings I experienced, but that’s a pretty good summary of how negative I was feeling about the situation. You know what though? I’ve realized that it’s probably pretty normal to feel like this. It shows that I am constantly evaluating myself, my decisions, and making sure that I put my best foot forward, even if it doesn’t seem like it in the moment. It’s also important to think about the following once you’ve had a chance to calm down; Did I have any control over the situation? Did I do everything I possibly could? Did I do the best damn job possible? Yes, yes I did. As much as it hurts me to think about the company shutting down, I don’t think there is anything I could have done differently to prevent this from happening. Since day one, I gave it my all. Unfortunately the cards just weren’t in our favour this time around. That’s the risk you take when you join a start up, especially one that is seeking out VC funding and hasn’t secured it. So you may be saying at this point… ‘all of this sounds great, thanks for your sob story, but what did you actually learn?’ Well here’s a few things that I’ve come to realize over the past few days:

Don’t let your job define you

I think part of why I was so upset initially was that I have prided myself on my work and career for my entire life, and I realized that I’ve basically let it define me. When I think of what my purpose is in life, it typically falls back on my accomplishments in the workforce and what I am still striving to achieve. Here’s the problem with that… we weren’t born to work our entire lives. That’s just how we’ve been brought up by society, and that’s not exactly a great way of approaching life. I initially felt like I lost my entire identity when my job fell through. The truth is, all of us have identities that are comprised of MANY things, with work only being one facet of that. Think about it… do your friends like you just because of your job title? Probably not (but if they do, maybe find some new friends). This was a wake up call to myself that while my career is definitely important and I should take it seriously, I also have more in life that needs attention, especially if I want to maintain a proper work-life balance.

Don’t be scared of what other people think

This is something that I am sure you have heard a MILLION times, but here’s a million and one. Who the fuck cares what other people think? Honestly, I was pretty nervous to text/call some of my friends with the news because I was super embarassed. Moreso, I was even more nervous when I considered having to tell people who don’t know me too well because they would have even less to go off of when forming an opinion of what happened or why I am in this situation. The reality is – who cares? These people don’t pay my bills, and if they are going to be that judgemental, then maybe they don’t deserve my time anyway. LA doesn’t make it easy to not care about one’s image given that the entire city is basically built off of what you portray on Instagram, but as we all know… that shit’s a dream. This is real life. People lose their jobs. Deal with it.

Relax, Reset, and Come Back Even Better

This one is a bit more specific as it requires you to have a rainy day fund for unplanned circumstances like this one happening, BUT, if you can financially support yourself for a little bit then maybe this is your chance to relax and not rush back into another job. For me, I updated my resume the day after I got the call, applied to a few jobs on LinkedIn, and had 3 interviews with potential companies… which was fairly proactive on my part but I’m already taking a break from it all.

For years I have drowned myself in my career without any proper relaxation, so I figure the time is now to do what I want for myself. A goal I set last year was to write my first book… and that kind of got derailed by life. It’s not a valid excuse, but it happened. I’m commiting myself to getting back to writing (hence why I’m all of a sudden active on here again) and chipping away at that book page by page. I now expect you all to hold me to it since I’ve announced to the world my intentions (lol).

Plus, think of the positives… who knows what the future holds? When something bad happens, that usually opens up an opportunity for something even better to come along. I find going through these types of experiences make us better individuals and even more prepared to take on the world. Whenever we’re ready to do that again.