Where to start? I guess we could go chronologically but the fact is (and in life), nothing happens in order… there is always a mix of things happening at once. I guess one of the biggest impacts this year was going from living and seeing my ex-girlfriend on a daily basis to nothing at all. We had periods of being very happy together that would be capped off by a pretty large fight, all to go through it once more. Although, come May/June, things started to get a lot worse than the normal fighting that any couple goes through. I really started disliking my job and this negative attitude was brought home which had a huge impact on our relationship. While I am not going to blame the demise of our relationship purely on this, it definitely did not help with the stress we were already going through.
I guess my first piece of advice is to separate your work life from your personal life. Just because something is going wrong in one does not mean it should make the other one start heading in a bad direction; especially if you have something good already in place. Make the best of your situation!
I think the second biggest lesson that came post-break up was the importance of empathetic listening. A lot of people claim they are listening but just because you hear what someone is saying does not mean you understand. I definitely was not listening to the problems my ex-girlfriend was saying we had after asking what the issues were. I would take them at face value and try to come up with short term solutions rather than fully understand what the root of the problem was. I was always thinking of my response before she was actually done speaking, ready to shoot out what I thought would solve all of our problems.
After a lot of reflecting, I’ve learned and have tried (not always successful but it’s a work in progress!) to not be so impatient when others are speaking. Rather than come up with the solution of what I think is what the person wants to hear, I take the time to fully listen and actually process what they’ve said rather than go off half-missing facts. I think the final and biggest lesson from my relationship that I’ve learned is that everybody is an individual and they are going to think/do what they want. Yes, people come together as couple’s to work towards common goals but they had a life before you and will have a life after you (sorry but one of you is going to die before the other, that’s life!). Successful couples can co-habitate without having to completely depend on the other solely. Independence is something that humans have been fighting to obtain for years due to various reasons, so it’s almost in our nature to want to have it. I definitely had my moments of not allowing her complete freedom, or at least portraying the image of that which I will remember for the future not to do!
TL;DR
1. Separate your work life & social life; as difficult as this can be, especially when the two mix due to friends that may also be co-workers, finding the right balance can keep you mentally sane and focused on what is going on in both worlds. If one is not going well, don’t let it affect the other.
2. Listen, No Actually Listen; People claim to listen but regurgitating facts is not actually solving anything. Listening and understanding what the other person saying is invaluable. Do not prepare your response until the other person is actually done speaking!
3. Independence; Humans crave independence, whether in a relationship or not. Never forget that someone is unique and not only respect their need for privacy, but just appreciate the fact that they do want to spend some of their time with you and sometimes they want their own!