Continuing from my previous post, here are some ramblings from having the time to self-reflect on how 2022 affected me and what I hope to bring into 2023 from those experiences.

It’s the beginning of a new year which means that it’s also around the time that people start to set goals, resolutions and aspirations for what they want out of their year. I’ve never been one to set goals at this time as I prefer to set them at any point in the year, and not get fixated on the timing of when I do things. I’m not saying it’s wrong to set them now, but I find that life evolves too quickly sometimes that it’s better not to try and set fixed goals now when so much could change between now and the end of the year. Although, this year I decided to try out setting a theme instead. My theme this year? Growth. Sure, you could argue that most of us are always growing which means it’s the theme of every year… but I want to try and proactively grow this year rather than just reactively figuring out how to deal with things that life is throwing at me. That’s always going to happen, but I want to make a conscious effort this year to be better.

I’ve talked many times about 2022, even doing a wrap-up, but to reiterate; it was a year that challenged me mentally quite a bit. You can read the previous posts as to what made it so hard and some of the lessons I learned from my experiences since I don’t want to sound like a broken record here 🙂 Ultimately despite how tough of a year it was, I do think it has helped me build an even stronger foundation to build my future on which gets me excited.

Plus, if there’s something else I’ve been able to reflect on during my time here, it’s the realization that many of us have this expectation that life is linear. Rationally I know that it isn’t, but it’s easy to forget sometimes. Everybody is going to have some wild swings in life; both up and down. The important thing to try to remember during these highs and lows? Push forward to make sure you’re growing and working towards a better life, or being a better individual. The best lessons come during the hardest times usually. Also, a lot of these “lows” are exactly what we need to set up an even better future, it’s just hard to go through them at that moment to get to that next stage in life. While I wouldn’t necessarily want to live these challenges out on a daily basis, having gone through 2022 has humbled me. It was a vivid reminder that we should never get too comfortable because everything can change in an instant. For me, it transported me back 10 years to when I had just graduated from University, had no money and was stressed about how I would pay that next bill. This time, it was about how I was going to cover my mortgage and what I would do with my career.

The bottom line? Don’t take things for granted, and appreciate everything that you have worked for. Also, throw yourself at life’s lessons rather than defend against them.

Despite feeling stronger than ever as I go into 2023, I can still admit that there are parts that scare me as I think about how the year may unfold. Something I continue to work on through therapy and reflection is that I am wired to expect things to mess up eventually… I always plan for the worst. The bigger problem is I have this toxic trait that if things are going well and there doesn’t seem to be anything to ruin that… I ruin it myself. I’m honestly not used to everything working out, and it’s a weird feeling to actually be happy with different facets of my life. Yes, I know how messed up this sounds to say being happy is a weird feeling, but it stems from a life of constantly fighting to get what I wanted and never really having a chance to feel happiness fully. I know that I deserve to be happy, but there’s still a part of me that expects the worst to happen at any moment and if it doesn’t seem to be coming then I sometimes force it to because that’s just the norm.

So what am I exactly scared about my self-sabotaging affecting? Firstly, I have a pretty great opportunity right now with my career. I have a chance to make a large impact at one of the world’s biggest tech companies which is something that I don’t know how many people can say they have. It’s taken a lot of hard work to prove myself and get to where I am, and I’m terrified that all of it can be undone in a matter of words or actions; my words or actions. I’m scared that all of the growth I am trying to achieve as a person will be lost from making one mistake. Secondly, I’m a flirt. I would be lying if I didn’t say that dating and women were a big part of my life. So why is that scary? Well, I’m worried that my constant seeking of validation from women is going to ruin any potential love that I find with one woman. As much as I know when someone might be a good fit, I still lust for other women in an attempt to find the love that I never had from my Mother growing up. Except for this time I want love from many women at the same time which usually doesn’t bode well in committing to just one.

So as I begin to tackle 2023… I am challenging myself to do something very important. I am challenging myself to be truly happy. I don’t think every single day will bring happiness, but I definitely want to have more days where it does than it doesn’t. Finding happiness means that I need to also do a few other challenges. It means that I am challenging myself to believe in my self-value and know that I can continue to build a successful career by just doing the work that I have been doing. I am good enough. I am also challenging myself to move beyond the superficial need of being with multiple women just for the sake of saying that I am and rather exploring relationships with women that bring deep connection and the potential of love.

2023, I challenge you. Let the best person win.