When writing these blog posts, I usually try to describe the problems I’m going through but then provide the reader with solutions. I don’t ever want to come off with just ranting for the sake of it. I’ve always tried to offer lesson(s) that I’ve learned from life… but right now, I just want to detail how I’m feeling going into my 30th year on this floating rock and caveat it with the fact that I don’t have all the answers to my problems as it stands. I’m OK with admitting that hey, I’m going through some shit and unfortunately I haven’t figured out how to fully handle it. If anything, I’d love to hear from anybody who takes the time to read this and let me know what they think.
Over the last two years, I’ve had a (sometimes) overwhelming feeling of negative emotions and lack of self worth. Half the time my ego kicks in and I feel like I’ve been able to prove everybody who ever doubted me wrong. I came from absolutely nothing and have been able to achieve everything I’ve ever wanted and more. Kids used to bully me in both elementary school and high school about being poor, having no parents and being a nerd. Fast forward to today and over half of them have done nothing with their lives compared to everything I’ve been able to do. In no way do I want to judge what they’re doing as it’s not my right but it’s somewhat gratifying that I’ve been able to rise above everything they used to put me down for. Plus: nerds are cool nowadays.
The other half of the time though… I look in the mirror and I’m not happy with the person that I’m seeing in the reflection. I don’t think I look good enough, I don’t think the work I’ve done is good enough, and I don’t know if I’m always making the right decisions. The self doubt can become overbearing and it leads to negative tendencies like a short temper and a constant feeling of anxiety. Both of these lead to me being very stressed out.
Basically, it’s just a rollercoaster of my ego kicking in and feeling extremely proud of myself mixed with the exact opposite feeling of extreme self doubt and degradation. Its honestly a lot to go through on a daily basis. The highs are very high, but the lows hit just as hard.
I’m constantly analyzing whether I’m spending my time efficiently given that we have a finite amount on this planet (which it seems is extremely easy to forget as a society but guess what, we’re not invincible or eternal. We’re leaving at some time and you never know when it is). I struggle with the adventurous side of me that wants to explore the world and get exposed to the cultures and wonders that earth has to offer. The other side of me is extremely scared to give up the lifestyle I’ve worked so hard to obtain in LA. Im finally living comfortably and have some great opportunities if I just stay put. On top of that, I’m also worried that my career would experience a huge setback from being removed from the industry for an extended period of time that may not be recoverable… whether this is actually true or not, I’m not really sure.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that; society puts this pressure for all of us to use our 20s to make mistakes and figure out what you want to do. By 30, you’re expected to have this path solidified of what your career looks like, when you are getting married, and when your family is supposed to start. I’m realizing that this is just not realistic. We’re all on our own path and whether you figure “it” out by 20, 30, 40, or 100… it doesn’t really matter. I’d honestly argue that we probably will never figure everything out by the time we leave and that’s completely ok.
Hell, do we even know what “it” really is?
Anyways. Again, I don’t really have much to provide as a solution as I’m doing some serious thinking about where I want to go and what truly makes me happy. I’m trying to put my mental health first and letting the rest of the pieces fall in place with that as my North Star. I do promise to provide an answer once I have one… but when will that be? We’ll both find out at around the same time.
As always, thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts. If anybody else is going through something similar, I’m always hear to lend an ear and provide whatever support I can. Let me know.
Tyrell, I’ve *never* told anyone that they have to have it all figured out in their 20s. But that finite time thing is far more pressing when you reach you 60s, like I have.
I’ve had to acknowledge that I won’t do a lot of the traveling I always thought I’d get to. And that I’m going to focus on getting things done and reducing our possessions so our kids don’t have to.
My daughter is also approaching her 30th bd and wondering about when her life will “start”. You’re not alone!
You’ve accomplished so much. Write a brag sheet for yourself. You don’t need to publish it; it’s for you alone. Every time you’re proud of something you’ve done, add it to the list. Back up the list. Look at it at least monthly.
I hope to continue watching your amazing progress on social media.