I’ve been thinking about this question for a little while now… so let me ask: why is it so hard for us to be honest with ourselves about what we want? A lot of us lie to ourselves in some capacity, whether it’s about our career, who we’re dating, or even if we’re truly content with how general life has turned out so far. If there are things present that are not making us happy or fulfilling any purpose, then why the heck do we keep them around? Even worse, why do we lie to ourselves about their purpose and usefulness in our life? At this point, I want you to take a minute to do a bit of self reflection. Are you happy with your career? Do you enjoy the job you are doing, or is it just a source of income to pay the bills? Do you like where you live, or do you constantly find yourself dreaming of packing up and moving elsewhere? How about the person you’re currently dating/married to? Are you passionately in love with them, or do you just tell yourself you are because you need to keep convincing yourself? Ultimately, I’m asking you to reflect on what you are actually happy with and what you may not be happy with in your life. This is not easy to do, so don’t worry if you lied to yourself during the last 30 seconds… it probably won’t be the last time you do it.

Why do we lie, especially to ourselves? I’m not a registered therapist to get into the rabbit hole of exactly ALL the reasons we lie, but from my own experience, I typically do it when I want to avoid some sort of punishment or drama from happening to me. The reality is, the truth hurts sometimes and it’s much easier to lie to all the parties involved if it’s going to make everybody feel better short term. A lot of us want to make the claim that we lie to protect others, but lying only helps the person doing it. Here’s the problem, lying adds up, and if you are doing it enough then you’re going to have a building amount of anxiety and stress to manage as you try to keep track of all of the lies you told so that your story doesn’t unravel. Spoiler alert – they usually come collapsing down eventually no matter how good you are at juggling multiple stories.

On top of that, it’s pretty standard in society nowadays to be the public badass and ignore your emotions, which means you typically don’t resolve conflict or solve the root problem of what’s going on. What does this lead to? Well ignoring how you really feel and lying about it means you are bottling up a ton of pain, resentment, and other negative emotions that are probably affecting your actions without even knowing it. Do you find yourself getting angrier lately? Constantly feeling tired or burnt out? Having a lot more negative thoughts than normal? It’s probably a result of ignoring the truth and lying to yourself (and others) about how you feel about problems you’ve had to deal with, or are still dealing with. As hard as it may be, we need to practice being truthful and owning up to how we really feel so that we minimize the amount of time feeling bad about something, and dedicate more time to actually finding a solution in an attempt at getting better and moving on.

Speaking of societal norms, we’ve made it quite easy to lie nowadays haven’t we? This constant worry of being judged or criticized by those around us really allows lying to become not only a choice, but sometimes what feels like our only option. Look at social media for example… how many people are on Instagram posting how great their life is, and how amazing everything is in it? If we posted that we’re currently dealing with heartbreak, or maybe that we got fired, we’re worried about being judged rather than actually being sympathetic to one another and showing compassion. All of us want to be socially desirable, so that usually means putting on a show to do so; with our theatre being social media. It’s also easier to convince everybody else of your lie if you actually believe in it yourself, which social media allows us to do by creating this fake life that we all buy into.

I’ll leave you with a real-life example of how finally being honest in my life led to relieving a burden that had weighed on me for years. Since I was a child, I had told everybody in my life that I didn’t have any parents since they both passed away when I was 2 in a car accident. This was easy to do as my parent’s weren’t involved in my life to expose my lie, and it usually didn’t lead to any follow-up questions so I could end the discussion there. Here’s the problem: while it avoided me having to explain my upbringing and why I actually lived with my Nana, it led to a lot of resentment and anger growing inside me over the years due to feeling abandoned and having to “cover” for my parents for choosing to live a life without me. This bottled up negativity came out in various ways: temper tantrums, short patience, and an overall level of aggression that just wasn’t conducive to living a happy life. I finally stopped telling that lie during the holidays in 2019, and admitted to my friends that my parents were alive. I explained that I don’t know anything about my father, but I had been in contact with my mother and knew roughly where she lived in Toronto. Initially I was absolutely terrified to admit this as I expected them to be angry about lying to them this entire time, and possibly end the friendship with me due to trust issues. What actually happened was each and every single one of them thanked me for my honesty, and more importantly told me they understood why I did what I did and weren’t upset at me for it. There aren’t enough words to explain how much of a relief this was on me, and an important first step in living a much happier and honest life into my 30s; both with myself, and those in my life.

In the end, we’re the ones who have to live with our lies. It may be fine to do once in a while for small things, but I can guarantee that constantly doing this will make it harder to ever live the way you truly want to. I’m starting to realize that as hard as it may be, being honest with myself about how I feel about something will eventually lead to better decision making. It allows me to no longer make excuses, become better at prioritizing what’s important to me, and overall just being happier with the direction my life is headed. I do believe putting yourself first and only caring about what you think will make it a lot easier to do the things you love. There won’t be that fear of outside judgement anymore, and hey – people may surprise you and actually support your choices when you thought they wouldn’t.