This past weekend I began my next phase of social hibernation in an attempt to finish my book’s first draft so that I can start to search out editors to help me polish it up. One of the remaining chapters that I had planned to write yet hadn’t started was about my Nana; also known as Barbara to others. This is a chapter that I have been putting off writing because of the heavy emotions that it was going to bring back up inside me, and to be honest, was scary to dive back into. I’m happy to say that the chapter is finished, and I’m one or two chapters away from completing the entire draft, but that’s not why I am posting here.

For context, my Nana was my everything and was the woman who raised me until I left at 16 and moved out on my own. We didn’t speak for 7 years, and by the time we reconnected, she had dementia and would pass away shortly after. I’ve felt a lot of guilt since the day that she passed because of my choice to not speak to her for those 7 years, on top of the fact that I stopped visiting her in the hospital because I couldn’t bear to see how bad her condition had gotten. I wasn’t strong enough to be there for her, so instead I chose to run away to make it easier on myself. This past weekend in writing about my Nana, I decided to finally get some closure by also writing to her. I am going to repost it below with no intention or purpose other than to put this into the world and finally attempt some closure on something that has been leaving me feeling bad for so long.

In case you are scared of telling someone how you feel, or maybe you no longer can, then perhaps you also can write your thoughts and feelings out in a letter. You don’t have to post it like I did, but maybe it’ll help release some of those feelings you’ve been bottling inside. I know it did for me. Below is the letter that will be included in my book later this year, enjoy.

To Nana,

I don’t fully know how to thank you, and that’s what I search for every day.

I regret not having more time with you. I regret not asking you more questions. I regret not asking you to tell me more stories about your own life.

It scares me that I am remembering less of you as each day passes. I still can remember how you looked, but your voice is starting to sound fainter. I’m scared I won’t be able to hear you in a few more years, and that scares me that seeing you will get harder too. Thankfully I still have some of your photos, right?

I feel like you had more to teach me. More to tell me. More everything. Although, it comforts me that the major lessons you taught me will always be with me. I’ll never lose those. I’ll never lose you completely.

I know I didn’t always tell you this when we were together, but I absolutely adored you. You called me your rock, but in reality you were my mountain.

Everything I am today is because of the sacrifices you made for me. Everything I am today is because of the way you raised me. Everything I am today is because of you.

I hope you know that I’m doing ok. Actually if I am being honest, better than ok. I moved to Los Angeles. I bought a place here. I have a little cat named Cosmos that you would love. He’s pretty handsome. I’ve had a pretty successful career in Marketing so far. I haven’t quite figured out the dating piece yet, but I’m sure you’d laugh at that and say “I told you so”. I hope you’d be proud of everything I’ve accomplished because as much as it was for me, it’s also been for you. If I am being honest, I think there’s a part of me that still seeks your validation in some way. I don’t really know how I’d get it at this point, but I also felt my best when you told me how proud you were of my accomplishments and I’d do anything to hear that one more time.

I wish I could share this life with you. I wish I could have made your final days easier. This part haunts me a lot… this part makes me feel guilty for what I have sometimes. It’s not fair that I don’t get to share it with you. It’s not fair that you don’t get a part of this. You worked so damn hard to give me whatever you could, and it’s my turn to repay that to you. Unfortunately, I can’t. It’s also why I am proud of what I have though and try not to take it for granted.

I know you were so upset with me when I moved out. I know you felt betrayed, and that kills me to think about. I was never trying to betray you. I was trying to give myself the life that I wanted. I was trying to give myself the life that you no longer could. It’s not your fault that you couldn’t anymore, and I never was mad at you for that. I am not sure if you knew where I was coming from when I decided that I had to leave, but I hope you eventually did. I used to justify what I did by pretending that I was lessening the burden on you, but it was purely for me. I know that it stirred up all of the negative emotions you went through with my Mom all over again. For this, I am truly sorry. I really hope that you were able to find peace with what happened.

I am also sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to keep visiting you in the hospital for your final days. I grew up watching this confident, independent woman teach me how to traverse all the hard lessons in life and instead I was witnessing an individual who was weak both mentally and physically. It wasn’t you anymore. I didn’t recognize the person that was in your body. You didn’t even recognize me anymore, and this was causing you to get very upset that strangers were visiting you. I didn’t want you to be upset, especially knowing you didn’t have much time left. Seeing you in this capacity hurt me too much to keep witnessing it, and that’s why I had to stop seeing you. I wanted to protect my memories of you. I know this is another example of putting myself first, but I’d like to believe in some ways it was for you too.

I’m not exactly sure what happens when you die, but I do know that from studying astrophysics, you can’t destroy energy. That means you are still here in some capacity, and if that’s the case, then I really hope you are enjoying whatever that is. You deserve the entire universe for what you did for me.

I’m not sure if you have time to read wherever you are, but you are one of the last chapters of a book I am writing about this crazy life that I’ve lived so far. Maybe you’ll get a copy and pick it up and finally be able to read everything I’ve been wanting to say to you since you left this planet. Actually, a lot of the lessons that I’ve learned and written about in here are from you, so I guess you that makes you my co-author huh? I bet you didn’t think you’d be publishing a book did you? I hope you think that’s pretty damn cool because it definitely makes me smile to think about.

I could probably write this letter forever because I have so many things to catch you up on. Instead, I’m going to have to say goodbye for now. Perhaps we’ll get the chance to properly catch up one day but right now I have a book to finish and get out there. I mean, how else are you going to become a published author?

Nana, there are absolutely no amount of words that I can string together to fully encapsulate how I feel about you. Just know that I never stopped loving you throughout these almost 33 years I’ve been alive and I don’t plan on having that change ever. You’re tattooed on me, your lessons are with me, and your spirit is in me.

I love you so much.

Tyrell