Well, hello there, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? A lot happened in 2023. I got kind of distracted living life… in all the best ways. BUT I am happy to report back that a lot of lessons were learned that I cannot wait to start talking about and sharing on here. It’s a goal of mine to get back to consistently writing at least once or twice per month for the blog. I also want to try and get back to the book which has been sitting untouched for over a year now, but that’s a topic for another day. Anyway, here we go.
Today I wanted to report back on the topic of healthy relationships. This is definitely not something I am an expert in given my dating history, but I am starting to understand what the difference is between healthy and toxic thanks to the last 12 months. For those who don’t follow me on IG, I just had my one year anniversary with my lovely girlfriend Isabella (or Isa for short) and as I reflect on an incredible first year with her, I realized some differences in my relationship now vs. the past. I’m going to outline what I see as some major keys to a healthy vs. toxic relationship. I’ll try and keep this post high level so it’s easier to digest, but I may write more about this topic at a later date (or maybe an extension to the book!).
You can be yourself
Have you ever dated somebody that you couldn’t feel 100% yourself with? It’s probably not going to work out long term if so. A partner who truly likes you for you and plans to stick around for the long run isn’t going to be scared off by your interests. If anything, they inquire into them and take them on as their own so they can share them with you, which is a pretty beautiful thing. During some of my previous relationships/situationships, there were things that I didn’t feel comfortable sharing like my passion for gaming, Pokémon cards, and space to name a few. I was scared that these women would see me as too geeky or immature for them and decide that I wasn’t worth their time. We have these weird standards in society that I’m not really sure who set, but they basically tell men that women only want a strong, alpha type male. Collecting Pokémon cards or reading books on quantum physics don’t exactly scream tough guy.
Really what I should have been thinking about is whether I could actually build a foundation for a future with someone who doesn’t accept me for me; geeky or not. I’m now realizing after being with Isa for a year that she accepts me for whatever I like because they are some of the components that really define who I am. She doesn’t actively join me in all of my interests, but she still takes the time to listen to me talk about them because she knows that they mean a lot to me, and I mean a lot to her. On the same token, I also try to be understanding and interested in Isa’s interests that don’t actively participate in because I also care for her and what defines her. If you care about someone and they care about you back, you’ll both prioritize things about each other. If you’re dating someone who truly doesn’t care for you, then don’t expect to share too many of your own interests and be ready to entertain all of theirs.
They are patient & understanding
For those that know me, I’m not always an easy person to be with. I prefer transparency and candidness over sugar coating and I can have very strong opinions on things. In recent years I have been better at controlling my emotions as I strive to become an even better person and leader, but nobody’s perfect and I still can let my feelings slip out; especially when they’re negative. A lot of people don’t have the patience to deal with confrontation, and that’s totally fair as nobody should be forced to, but Isabella has been beyond patient with me in certain situations and for that I am extremely grateful. Better than that, she’s usually the anchor who can bring me back down to earth and help me realize that my feelings in the moment may not be what I actually feel longer term. I’ve come to realize that it’s better to take a few breaths before replying to someone if you are feeling worked up as you will have more time to process how you ACTUALLY feel vs. how you react. She’s been a blessing at helping me practice this.
You learn (& grow) together
So far, I’ve been painting a pretty picture, right? Well as I said, I don’t like sugar coating things so I also want to address that we aren’t perfect. We do have disagreements and can get annoyed at each other, especially when it comes to topics that may be on the more serious side. The difference this time around is that these hard conversations actually happen, and better yet, we both lean into them despite how uncomfortable they can be. I’ve had too many exes who were avoidant or didn’t care to dig into the details about why we may be arguing about something which isn’t productive at all. When you get into a relationship (and throughout it), you are learning about this other human and you aren’t always going to see eye to eye. I am here to tell you that part is OK (I finally learned that!), but what isn’t OK is not dealing with it or understanding where the other person is coming from. You don’t need to both end up agreeing, but it’s important to at least understand where the other person is coming from and why they formed their beliefs.
What’s been extremely refreshing about our current relationship is that both of us have showed up every time and listened to the other person about why they were feeling a type of way and sought to get to the root of it. We have become a lot closer as a couple and have been building a much more stable foundation for our relationship as a result. Do not settle for someone who doesn’t want to hear what you have to say or avoids confrontation because unfortunately, life is going to force you to deal with each other at some point and it’s better to have someone by your side who is willing to grow through it rather than use it to bring you down.
They support you through hard times
While 2023 had a lot of great moments and highlights, it still had its setbacks and lessons to learn. A lot of these revolve around my career in which I won’t get into too many details, but for context, I hit a few moments where I felt extremely disappointed and defeated with what had been going on. In the past when I’ve experienced hard times, I’ve had exes provide some quick commentary to try and cheer me up, but otherwise they kept focused on their own lives and didn’t spend too much time on how I was feeling. While I don’t want to sound like I need to be babied or validated by someone else, it is a nice feeling to know you are supported and have a teammate who will be there for you when the going gets tough. Isabella has been by my side throughout the entire roller coaster and while it hasn’t always been easy on our relationship, she again has gone the extra mile to understand the situation and why I am feeling the way I am during it. She doesn’t always try to provide a solution (because sometimes she just can’t), but she has never stopped reminding me that I’m not in it by myself. This is something I can’t be thankful for enough.
It just comes easy
In the nicest way possible… our relationship is easy. I don’t mean in the sleezy way either, but rather I find our entire dynamic comes naturally and without effort. I mentioned earlier that in the past I felt like I couldn’t always be myself because I had to be this other image in what I thought my exes were looking for. With Isabella, not only am I myself 100% of the time, but she is also herself 100% of the time and we just get along so well like friends would. I’m realizing that while Isabella and I didn’t start out as friends per say, our relationship was not fueled exclusively by physical attraction and the emotional building has allowed us to connect like two new friends would. I definitely can’t say like I felt like I was friends with my exes while dating them, which I am now realizing is pretty damn important for a sustainable future.
I just want to disclaim that these views are purely subjective and based on my own relationship, so they may not transfer cleanly to everybody and what they should be looking for in their next partner. I’m hoping that I can get some of you to analyze your existing situationships and really decide whether it’s worth the effort to keep them going… and whether you use my 5 pillars as a guide, that’s up to you. Remember, I did say I am NOT an expert in this area. Regardless, you need to figure this shit out. Ok, disclaimer done.