As promised, back with another short Q&A based on some of the self-reflection questions asked by WNRS (we’re not really strangers). Today’s questions revolve around my past, and how it continues to affect me presently. I’m sure a lot of us have things we continue to bring forward that aren’t needed, so hopefully this helps identify some of those bad habits:

What or who do I have an unhealthy relationship with?

I’ve had an unhealthy relationship with a few different people, all of whom have been discussed in this blog at some point (or in the upcoming book). For this question, I’d rather focus on my unhealthy relationship with biting my nails which has been a horrible habit of mine since about grade 5.

I used to think this was karma from God (I was religious up until 13) for making fun of another girl in my class who used to suck her thumb, but I’ve now realized that it’s been a coping mechanism of mine to handle stressful situations and anxiety that I build within myself. Unfortunately, this habit has persisted into adulthood, and it’s probably scarred my fingers for life now as I have never allowed my nails to fully grow out like a regular adult would. There’s been maybe two times in the last 5 years where I didn’t bite my nails for a month or two at a time, and they started to grow back to a normal length, but then something else in life would happen, and I’d send my fingers right back to my mouth.

From obvious sanitary problems that chewing nails leads to (I can’t even imagine the amount of bacteria I’ve eaten compared to a regular person), this is something that has caused anxiety in itself as I have gotten upset that all these years later, I haven’t been able to conquer this bad habit. Despite buying products like ‘STOP BITING’ nail polish that tastes absolutely dreadful, my own stubbornness still pushes me to chew my nails until there’s almost nothing left.

Unfortunately, I have yet to figure out a foolproof solution to stopping this habit, just in case you were waiting for the answer to this problem. It’s going to take more work on my part to embrace my strength and not allow stressful situations to drive me to chew. Simple as that.

What’s something mean that was said to me in my childhood that I carry to this day? What would I say to my younger self now?

It’s not one specific thing that was said to me, but rather that I was bullied throughout my childhood and into early adulthood for never fitting in. I was poor, had hand-me-down clothing, didn’t have all the latest toys, and never ran in the ‘popular’ circles. As a result, I was constantly beaten up both physically and verbally by a variety of different kids. This has carried with me to this day by motivating me to out-achieve each and every one of them, and making sure that if they looked me up, that I would be doing ‘better’ than all of them.

So what would I say to my younger self? Everything you’re doing… do it for you, not them. I’ve talked about this before but it’s always good to have a reminder – the purpose we create should be rooted in our own desires and not because of what we assume others will think about us. Most of the bullies who I am trying to impress aren’t even paying attention or care, so why continue to let them affect your life over 20 years later?

What have I tolerated from people in the past that I no longer have space for?

I’m not entirely sure what to formally call this, but I am no longer accepting shitty behaviour from others and forgiving them for it or making excuses for it. If you are in my life, I try to give you my all (even when I don’t have it all to give) and it’s no longer serving me to have people in my life only give me a fraction of effort back. I’m not exactly expecting the same amount of energy/investment every time as I know people have various things going on that can limit their bandwidth but it sucks when people barely even try and yet come to you when they want something or only when it’s advantageous to them.