Written by tcromoshuk

Time.

So, it’s been a few months.

Tonight was the first night in a while that I’ve had a chance to slow down and relax. In the past few months, work (and side work) have been incredibly busy, on top of having consistent visitors from Canada, all while attempting to still have a social life. In no way do I want to make it sound like this is a bad thing, but it definitely kept my busy mind distracted from thinking. Tonight I finally got time to do this aforementioned thinking…and boy I thought about a lot in a little amount of time.

I’ve done a fairly good job at accepting my Nana’s passing back in February and moving forward (partially because I had to or risk a performance drop in my work), but a part of it has been slowly eating me up inside in that I feel like I didn’t get enough time with her. It probably doesn’t help that I decided to explore the discography of a Swedish artist named Snoh Aalegra tonight and her latest single ‘Time‘ (sampled by Drake in his track ‘Do not Disturb‘ from More Life)  discusses the passing of her Father in 09′ after they were reacquainted from a falling out for multiple years (similar to my Nana and I). This hit home a lot. Not to break this down like a school essay, but I think it’d be best to use the lyrics from the song to guide the remainder of this post’s flow as it basically captures the thoughts I’ve been bottling inside the last few months;

Memories fading, I try to hold on
When I don’t know where I belong
No more
The sound of your voice was my all, was my home
But these walls, they can’t hear you no more
No more

To get to the point: It absolutely scares me that I am remembering less and less of the little memories with her. I spent 16 years living with this woman and yet I only remember the most ‘important’ events with her. There’s a ton of stories that she used to tell me that I no longer can remember, on top of a world of lessons I am sure I could still learn. I realize that I’ll always remember her and the core values that she instilled in me. It’s just that there’s also a part of me that feels like I still had so much to learn and know about this woman and that opportunity is gone now.

Searching high and low for peace of mind
I feel I lost a piece of mine
And I wish that time never mattered

This probably hits home on a level more than just missing my Nana in having this feeling like there is never enough time. I feel like I didn’t have enough time with her. I feel like I never had enough time with Katriina. I feel like I never had enough time spending it with people in Toronto. I really wish time never mattered.

I’m also worried that I am going to feel like I never had enough time in life to accomplish and see everything I want to by the time it’s over. I saw friends like Bucci and Nate taken way too soon and it kills me to think that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed for anybody. I’m not sure if there’s ever going to be a solution to thinking like this unfortunately, hence why the values of ‘More Life, More Everything’ have been a big influence as of late, but I really do want to appreciate everything around me more.

If I only knew
I’d never take for granted
The times I took for granted
If I only knew
I’d cherish it forever
‘Cause you’re what always mattered to me

I took my Nana for granted. I was greedy and only thought about myself as I got older, as most children do. Unfortunately this childish behaviour stuck with me through my Adult years and prevented me from ever realizing how important the woman in front of me was until she was gone. This has also affected past relationships and friendships. It’s something that I continue to work on every day but I wish that I could have had a better handle on it years ago. Things may have gone differently with my relationship. Things may have gone differently with old friends. Things may have gone differently with Nana. All of this will always have a major impact on me going forward in my attempt to avoid taking people or things for granted, but…what if I had learned this earlier?

Time itself is such an important thing that most of us take for granted. We really need to stop doing that.

Also, for anybody interested in actually listening to the song then please enjoy below: