I’ve been quiet on here lately… so I figured it was time to do a little writing on a topic that I recently discussed with my therapist a few weeks back. We’ve been diving into my dating history as I’ve had a string of unsuccesful relationships and I’m trying to do some soul searching to identify what exactly is going wrong. During one of our sessions, we had just finished talking about a woman I was seeing earlier in the year who led me to believe that she wanted to date me, but then ultimately stood me up on a date, disappeared for days after, and barely apologized before just cutting me off completely. After explaining how hurt I was by what she had done to me, my therapist challenged me to think about what my “non negotiables” are going forward to make sure that I start to set boundaries and put myself first to prevent something like this from happening again. Essentially I was to come up with a list of attributes that I will be looking for when evaluating partners, and they are things that are not really up for discussion. If someone can’t show/do these things, they they aren’t the one for me. It’s that simple.
After doing a bit of thinking, here’s what I came up with for the time being; but I am sure this list will evolve as time goes on and I continue to figure out what exactly I am looking for in a relationship. I hope this list either inspires you to come up with your own, or maybe it’s something you can relate to for yourself when it comes to dating.
Goal Driven
I want to build a kingdom with a woman who has large aspirations and goals in her life and is working on achieving each and every one of them. I want to be able to support her dreams, and have her be a part of mine too.
Attractive
So this one may come off as shallow, but it’s the honest truth. I believe that having sex with someone you are emotionally invested in is one of the best things you can experience, and that means I need to be physically and mentally attracted to them.
Supportive & Reciprocal
A pattern of mine in my last few relationships/girls I’ve dated have been that I have done 90% of the chasing, and I was the one trying to give them all of my time and energy. It’s never going to be 50/50, but I definitely need to find someone who is just as interested in my life as I am theirs. Someone who asks me questions, challenges me, and wants to support me in my endeavours and acknowledges my role in their life.
Consistent
Someone who doesn’t leave me guessing their intentions, feeling a roller coaster of emotions because of how well they treat me one day and then ghost me the next. Someone who shows up all of the time.
Animal Friendly
As I have a little son named Cosmos (he’s a cat) and would love to get a dog at some point in the future, it’s important that this woman wants to have animals in their life too.
Respectful
I’m not exactly sure if this is the right word, but someone who doesn’t treat me like a punching bag just because they are comfortable with me. When times get tough and their emotions are running, they can still uphold their respect for me and treat me like a human being.
Open & Honest
Similar to the “consistent” attribute, it’s basically someone who has the ability to be transparent with how they are feeling and what they are thinking. I’m fairly open in my life, and I want to find a woman who can be vulnerable with me so that even though we may not always agree, we at least understand where we’re both coming from and can work towards handling whatever life throws at us.
Independence
I’m attracted to women who have their shit together and don’t need me, but want me instead. A woman who has her own life, career, goals, and knows exactly where she’s headed. Someone who won’t get mad when I want to spend time with my friends, or even just myself and values her own time away from me too.
As I mentioned in my last post on here, setting boundaries with people and their behaviour is an important part of protecting your mental health and prioritizing yourself. I think coming up with a list of ‘non negotiables’ is another way of setting up some boundaries in dating to help identify yellow and red flags that you may otherwise ignore.
Oh, and for a quick personal update… another reason I’ve been off social media & here is because I’ve been heads down with writing the book. I’m currently at 44,400 words and nearing the end of the first draft… so wish me luck as I try to complete it in the next few weeks!