7 months. That’s how long the third stint of my unemployment journey is lasting at the moment. I’ve been grateful to finally dip my toe into consulting, but so far these have been temporary opportunities, and I’m still yearning to find my next ‘home’ where I can truly get in the weeds and start to build again. It’s been an emotionally taxing situation that still doesn’t get easier, so instead of dwelling on the situation, I have been trying to think of ways to help others who are going through the same thing. Last year, I wrote about what unemployment is and isn’t, a topic that remains relevant. However, I decided to come up with something more useful for those who know someone unemployed and aren’t quite sure how to support them.

Throughout my unemployment, I’ve had friends and family who aren’t sure what to say and, as a result, will say a lot of well-meaning lines that have done the opposite of their intention. This isn’t their fault, as the default reaction taught to most people in our society is to quickly come up with something positive to say to make the other person feel better. For me personally, I find this a bit toxic as it’s not showing that you truly understand the situation I am in, and adds unneeded pressure to figure this out or risk disappointment if I don’t end up living to your expectations. I understand this is not most people’s intention, but unfortunately, it’s how I tend to receive these types of comments nowadays, given how much I’m in my own head. So what does help? This is going to vary by person, but here’s what I find useful:

Please don’t

• Don’t put a timer on me:
  Timing isn’t in anyone’s control, so saying things like “you’ll land something in no time” makes me feel behind when “no time” passes
• Don’t hand me a happy ending:
  When someone says something like “rejection is redirection” or “that door closed for something better to come”, it sounds nice, but sometimes in life, rejection is just rejection. That’s fine. There’s also zero guarantee that I fall in love with my next gig, maybe I just need to pay my mortgage, but don’t love what I do, that’s also a plausible reality
• Don’t suggest a new identity as a band-aid solution:
  “Just start your own business” is something I’ve been told to do for years. Maybe I will one day, but today, it adds pressure that I don’t need

Please do

• Check in without assigning homework:
  The messages or calls that have really resonated with me this year are the “thinking of you” types that let me know I matter without expectations attached
• Ask me what would help me out this week:
  Tiny, specific offers that are relevant to what I am going through now, vs. some grand plan for later
• Talk to me about literally anything else:
  I’m more than my job hunt. Ask me about gaming, Pokémon, and what cool things Isa and I have been up to
• Believe me when I say it’s hard:
  I’m not asking you to solve my problems or fix my situation. Honestly, showing me you’re in my corner and showing up is more than enough

Again, this list is subjective as each person has different needs and preferences on how they handle stress in their own lives. The easiest way to figure out what that person needs? Simply ask them. If you are unsure what to say, give that person the chance to let you know by just asking what they need in that moment. I promise you’ll show up as a better support system for them as a result.