Most Adult Friendships Don’t End. They Slowly Disappear.

Something I’ve been thinking about lately and recently discussed while catching up with a Canadian buddy of mine in the South Bay is the people who were part of our regular everyday life that I now know almost nothing about.

For example, I’ve written about a buddy of mine who was a close friend for years after I moved to Toronto in 2011. We started as neighbours and remained friends for years even after we both departed for California. Our friendship ended after an argument at Coachella in 2018, which feels like yesterday as well as several lifetimes ago. I think what makes me sad when reflecting on the situation is that this argument was trivial, and it honestly contained no reasons ever to end a relationship with somebody about; yet it happened anyway. I’ve never carried resentment or ill feelings and find myself thinking about him every so often, wondering where he’s at in life now. I even think about reaching out once in a while, but haven’t pulled the trigger.

I’m sure we all have friends like this; people who meant so much to us at a certain moment in life, but now can be considered strangers. And it doesn’t end with just them, as they also had their own friends, family, and people in their life that interacted with me as part of being friends. It’s really a strange thing to think that when a friendship ends, you’re not just losing the person, but you’re also losing the family, routines, jokes, places, and small world that existed around the relationship. Not all friendships end in fights, though; some just drift apart with life.

I have another friend that falls into this category. Nothing dramatic ever happened between us; no arguments, no fights. He simply moved back to Abu Dhabi, where the geography made it harder to remain part of each other’s lives. We actually had the chance to reconnect once during COVID, which was a great moment and really allowed me to believe that some friendships can pause without fully disappearing. Like the first friend I mentioned, I’m not really sure what he is up to nowadays, but I hope he and the family he’s built are doing amazing.

Adult friendships are really strange compared to ones you had as a child, because they remain emotionally important long after they stop being active (if they do). Someone that occupies a meaningful place in your memory may be a total stranger to you nowadays, which itself can be a sad thought depending on how the friendship ended. When we were younger, friendships often happened automatically. We run into the same people at school, work, parties, or just in the neighbourhood. Your bubble created the repetition you needed to build the friendship. As adults, this isn’t necessarily true.

People move, get married, have children, change jobs, become busier, or just develop an entirely different routine for their own needs at that time. This doesn’t mean that your friendship no longer matters, but it now has to compete with every other responsibility in life that you’re both taking on. Messages get answered late, plans get postponed, and the “we should catch up soon” rhetoric becomes something that both people sincerely mean but never follow up on. Add in enough time passing, and reaching out begins to feel awkward.

We may pick up the phone to text or call, but then a little voice inside our head asks whether we need to explain the silence. We question whether the other person has moved on, whether too much has changed, or whether the friendship only worked because of the stage of life we were in. Sometimes it feels easier to privately miss someone than to risk discovering that there is no longer a connection between you.

The truth is, not every friendship is built to last forever, and that’s OK.

Some relationships are better tied to a particular version of our lives without meaning that it was fake or a failure. Both of us grew together for a period of time, helped each other through something that led to becoming who we are today, and then eventually moved in different directions. That’s just the reality of life. I also think there’s a difference between low-maintenance friendships and neglected ones. I can name a few people in my life that I don’t speak to for months, but we still can reconnect immediately when we do. The trust remains intact without a lack of constant communication creating doubt about our friendship. I also have other friendships that are slowly becoming memories despite us telling ourselves that we are still close. Sometimes my problem is simply telling the difference.

When it comes to reconnecting with my old friend, I wonder whether it would actually be meaningful or whether I’m nostalgic for who we were at that time. We’re both at very different stages of life now; he has a wife & children and left California, and I live with my girlfriend that he’s never met in a house he doesn’t know exists. Maybe we would have an insightful conversation and realize that while we both wish each other well, the friendship belongs in the past. Maybe we would reconnect and build that strong friendship we used to have. Maybe he has no interest in exploring either. I think what’s important to realize is that none of those outcomes erase what the friendship meant.

But that’s also what makes reaching out feel so emotionally complicated. I’m treating it like a decision about whether my entire friendship with him should return, but in reality, it may just be a “thinking of you” message. It doesn’t create any sort of obligation to rebuild the friendship that used to exist on either side.

I think this also applies to the friendships we have that fade without the conflict. We shouldn’t search for that ‘perfect’ reason to contact someone we miss, as it’s always great to hear from someone and have both sides let them know they’re wishing them well. Sadly, our emotions don’t make it as easy as it sounds.

The reality for all of us, though, is that friendship cannot survive forever on memories and good intentions. Both parties need to take action at some point. Whether that’s making a phone call, typing out that text, picking a date to meet up, or whatever the action needs to be to let the other person know they still matter to us. While the effort may not restore every relationship, it does give the friendships that still have hopes of being alive a chance to do just that.